


Something Broken Inside of Me

by caerynlae



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: (could be considered) Self-Harm, Dark Thoughts, PTSD, Post 6x12, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Torture, Self-Worth Issues, dark oliver, inspired by 5x17, inspired by 6x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 04:25:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16055504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caerynlae/pseuds/caerynlae
Summary: Today was one of the bad days. Sometime during the night, the tension in my chest rose again to a strength I haven’t felt in quite some time. I stand under the shower, the water scalding hot. I’m hoping the physical pain will make me forget. But I’ve tried it too often, I know it is never fully successful.





	Something Broken Inside of Me

**Author's Note:**

> This follows 6x12, in which Anatoli tortured Vince.

Today was one of the bad days. Sometime during the night, the tension in my chest rose again to a strength I haven’t felt in quite some time. I stand under the shower, the water scalding hot. I’m hoping the physical pain will make me forget. But I’ve tried it too often, I know it is never fully successful.

Fed up with my own actions, I step out of the shower and begin towelling off. Lost in my own mind, I barely remember in time to pull on my t-shirt before leaving the bathroom. I can’t let William see them; I know they bother him. 

William. Me raising a child. Most days I don’t know what I was thinking. But I made a promise. A promise I never should’ve made. How can anyone think I’m fit to raise a child? A parent should be a role model. How can someone like me ever be a role model for an innocent child?

I step out of the bathroom. Felicity is plating up William’s breakfast. Sunshine is illuminating the room. It feels like it’s mocking me. How can someone like me deserve to wake up to such a scene? Sliding my mask on, I greet them both. Felicity is throwing me a look. I think I might’ve overdone it with the cheeriness.

“Oliver, there you are.” She comes closer and leans in for a kiss. I try to savour it, but all I can hear in my mind is Anatoli’s voice on repeat as he tortures Vince, _“The pain stops, once I can have my answers”_.

She steps back and pours herself a cup of coffee, the sunlight making her blond hair shine beautifully.

I close my eyes in despair. I know exactly who taught Anatoli how to be so … efficient. I do my best to mask what I’m feeling before Felicity finishes pouring her coffee. But my wife is smart and she sees straight through me. 

She comes over, her arms wrapping around me. I feel some of the tension leave me. I still don’t understand what she sees in me. I should stay far away from them, not taint them with my darkness. But I’m too selfish to stay away.

I spend the day smiling and pretending, doing my best to keep the darkness inside of me locked down. But it’s been 24 hours and it’s just growing stronger. I’m itching for my bow, a rough fight, anything that allows me to drain some of that darkness. I hope no one ever finds out what I did in Russia. Because skinning a human being is not something any of my teammates would ever forgive.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by 5x17 and 6x12. In 5x17, Anatoli is horrified how Oliver tortured someone. In 6x12 (minute 25:00), Anatoli tortures Vince.


End file.
